5 Common Problems That Lead to Relational Pain by Chris Goins

What do you do when love starts to feel heavy instead of happy?

When the person you married feels miles away — not because of betrayal or crisis, but because of exhaustion, stress, and everyday drift?

At least five common problems can suffocate love, erode happiness, deteriorate relational health, and weaken connection.

1) Exhaustion, busyness, and the pace of life. (When exhaustion and busyness erode connection.)

One of the things that led to the marital crash Janet and I experienced in the Spring of 2022 was my failure to realize the catastrophic toll that my pace of life and addiction to ministry were having on me.

I was physically, emotionally, spiritually, and relationally spent. Thirty-nine years of ministry and two years leading our church through COVID (2020-2022) had left me bone-tired, emotionally spent, and spiritually drained.

I’m not alone. A recent poll found that three out of five Americans feel more tired than ever. ¹

Relationships (marriage, family, and friendships) most often take the hit and pay the price for our exhausted lifestyles and overscheduled lives.

Quality time is essential for quality relationships.

We convince ourselves that we have to show up for work, but we struggle to bring the energy and focus necessary to nurture meaningful connections with the people who matter most.

2)  Financial pressure. (When money becomes a marriage killer.)

The second problem that sabotages relationships is financial pressure. At some point, it puts the squeeze on all marriages. A study of more than 1,000 adults in the U.S. conducted by Ramsey Solutions revealed that money is the number one issue couples fight about. Further, fights about money are the second leading cause of divorce in the U.S., behind infidelity. ²

This issue has been a significant barrier throughout our marriage. Disagreements about managing money and stress about our financial future have always been challenging. It certainly was a contributing factor to what led my wife to leave.

According to Dr. Willard Harley in his classic book, "His Needs, Her Needs", one of the top five needs of most wives is financial support. ³ Unfortunately, for years, I labeled presumption and poor stewardship as “faith,” failing to make the wise decisions necessary to provide my wife with the stability and support she needed.

3) Emotional barriers — unresolved issues and unforgiven hurts. (When unforgiven hurts build barriers between you.)

This obstacle is huge for marriages and other relationships.

While Richard Rohr and I have significant theological differences, he was incredibly perceptive when he wrote:

"If we do not transform our pain, we will most assuredly transmit it—usually to those closest to us: our family, our neighbors, our co-workers, and invariably, the most vulnerable, our children..." —Richard Rohr

Because I failed to “transform [my] pain,” I inevitably transmitted it to the very people who mattered most to me.

When Janet walked out and cut off all communication with me except for responding to brief texts related to financial or business matters, the insights provided by MarriageHelper.com were invaluable.

A failing grade.

Desperate for answers during our crisis, I devoured hours of content from MarriageHelper — videos, resources, anything that might help. I even purchased their Art of Attraction Toolkit. ⁴

When I completed the self-assessment, the results hit hard. My lowest scores were in spiritual and emotional attraction. In other words, while I had spent years leading others, I had failed to cultivate a purpose, mission, and emotional environment that made my wife want to come home.

I had failed to create an emotionally attractive environment that Janet wanted to come home to.

That realization became a turning point — the moment God began to expose the emotional barriers I had built through decades of unresolved pain and unforgiven hurt.

I had never fully faced the grief, betrayal, and losses of more than forty years in ministry. Without realizing it, my wife, my children, and a few close friends paid the price for the emotional holes I failed to allow God to heal.

4) Familiarity and the slow fade of gratitude. The subtle danger of “everyday-ness.” (When everyday life makes you forget to love.)

The fourth issue that can derail a relationship is familiarity or what I’ll call the subtle danger of “everyday-ness.”

Familiarity is not only dangerous; it can be deadly. It causes us to take things, and more importantly, people, for granted.

When we become familiar with someone, we stop noticing, paying attention to, and celebrating them like we used to. We lose the passion and wonder that once consumed us. We settle for apathy over passion and routine over wonder.

The old adage is, “Familiarity breeds contempt.” It also breeds drift, damage, danger, decline, defeat, death, and divorce. The following section is critically important.

When familiarity settles in, the emotional climate of a marriage can shift. And in that atmosphere, four relational toxins often begin to thrive that researcher John Gottman calls The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

The Four Horsemen of a Marriage Apocalypse ⁵

Researcher John Gottman from the University of Washington has spent decades studying marriage. Through his work, he discovered that he can predict—with over 90% accuracy—whether a couple will divorce after observing them for just a few minutes.

How? By identifying what he calls “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.” He chose that term because, when left unchecked, these habits can devastate a marriage. And not just marriage — they can corrode friendships, family bonds, and even workplace relationships.

So what are they?

Horseman #1: CRITICISM

Every couple will have complaints — that’s normal. But there’s a big difference between a complaint and criticism.

A complaint sounds like: “I notice that when you work from home, you leave dirty dishes in the sink. I prefer you wash and put these away, so I don’t have a sink full of dishes to wash when I get home.”

That’s specific, constructive, and solution-oriented.

Criticism, on the other hand, attacks the person, not the problem. It says, “I can’t believe you let the dishes pile up in the sink. You’re so selfish.”

It shifts from an issue to an accusation. It attacks a person’s character and personality. Over time, it eats away at emotional safety.

Horseman #2: CONTEMPT

Gottman calls this one the single greatest predictor of divorce.

Contempt sounds like superiority — sarcasm, mockery, eye-rolling, or disgust. It doesn’t just communicate disagreement; it communicates disdain.

Sadly, contempt had begun to creep into our marriage. Janet had developed a low- grade but persistent contempt for me, and I, in turn, had allowed frustration and familiarity to harden my heart toward her.

Gottman’s research even shows that people in contempt-filled relationships get sick more often — literally. Contempt poisons both the heart and the home.

Is contempt an issue in your marriage?

Horseman #3: DEFENSIVENESS

Defensiveness says, “I’m not the problem — you are.”

It deflects responsibility and blocks growth. It sounds like: “Maybe I did that, but you always…”

Unrepentant people make difficult and exhausting spouses.

I became an expert at defensiveness. I didn’t want to face my flaws, so I justified or minimized them. Unrepentant people make difficult and exhausting spouses — and I was one.

How are you doing when it comes to defensiveness? Can you admit mistakes, say “I’m sorry,” and ask for forgiveness? Or do you get defensive whenever your spouse brings up an issue?

Horseman #4: STONEWALLING

Stonewalling is emotional withdrawal — shutting down, tuning out, and checking out.

While both men and women can do it, Gottman found it’s more common among men. The stonewaller doesn’t yell; they simply disappear.

They cross their arms, look away, and refuse to engage. Over time, the silence becomes a wall no one can climb.

Stonewalling isn’t peace. It’s distance disguised as calm.

Just before our crash, feeling unheard and unseen, Janet started to stonewall. Some conversations just became too hard. So silence became her shield. Unfortunately, stonewalling isn’t peace — it’s distance disguised as calm. It’s the slow death of connection.

Are any of these horsemen riding in your relationship?

If any of these sound familiar — criticism, contempt, defensiveness, or stonewalling — you’re not alone.

We’ve all been there. But awareness is the first step toward healing.

When we recognized these patterns in our marriage, God gave us grace to repent, repair, and rebuild. What once felt like an ending, became the beginning of something brand new.

Healing began when we replaced criticism with compassion, contempt with honor, defensiveness with humility, and stonewalling with engagement.

5) Unrealistic expectations and the power of disappointment. (When today’s unrealistic expectations become tomorrow’s resentment.)

The fifth problem that can derail a marriage is unrealistic expectations. They can be tough on any relationship.

I don’t know of any area of life where we have higher hopes and more unrealistic expectations than marriage. Here’s the problem. Since there’s no area of life where the expectations run higher, there’s also no area where the disappointment runs deeper.

Disappointment is the gap between what I expect and what I experience. This is why, in a "Wild At Heart Podcast" episode, John Eldredge and Morgan Snyder nailed it when they made this statement.

“Today’s expectations are tomorrow’s resentments…”
—John Eldredge and Morgan Snyder, Wild At Heart Podcast Episode

Much of the disappointment and resentment that widens the gaps and distances in our relationships is directly related to and a by-product of our unrealistic expectations.

Are unrealistic expectations fueling disappointment in your marriage? Do you need to reassess those expectations?

If any (or ALL) of these issues sound familiar, don’t lose hope.

Healing begins with humility.
Stop shifting blame. Start taking responsibility.

You can’t change your spouse, but you can invite the Holy Spirit to start revival in you — and that can change everything.

The wise man once wrote:

“A man who refuses to admit his mistakes can never be successful. But if he confesses and forsakes them, he gets another chance.” —Proverbs 28:13 LBP

The healing of our marriage began the moment Janet and I confessed our sin and admitted our mistakes. We stopped rationalizing and began repenting. When we stopped shifting blame and started taking responsibility.

No marriage is beyond God’s reach! If He could resurrect our marriage, He can restore yours.

Chris Goins
October 2025

*This is an edited excerpt from Chris’s new book, "AWAKEN: Waking Up to Life, Love,
and the Opportunity of a Lifetime", scheduled to be released in April 2026.

1 https://www.safetyandhealthmagazine.com/articles/22112-exhausted-nation-americans-more-tired-than-ever-survey-finds
2 https://www.ramseysolutions.com/company/newsroom/releases/money-ruining-marriages-in-america
3 Willard Harley, His Needs, Her Needs: Building An Affair-Proof Marriage, p 131. Kindle Ed.
4 https://marriagehelper.com/courses/art-of-attraction-toolkit/
5 John Gottman, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, pp 51-60, Kindle Ed.