The Truth About Trust

“I don’t trust you.”

It’s amazing how a simple sentence can hit us so deeply. When someone says they don’t trust us, we immediately start scanning for what we did wrong. What happened? What changed? Why don’t they believe me anymore?

Trust isn’t automatic—not even when character and integrity are present, and if we don’t understand why trust breaks down, we’ll keep finding ourselves in relationships, marriages, and teams where good intentions are there… but connection isn’t.

Recently, while reading the book Trust and Inspire by Stephen M.R. Covey, one line stopped me in my tracks:

“It’s possible to have two trustworthy people with no trust between them.”

Let’s unpack why that happens and how we can build trust that lasts.

1. Trust Isn’t Just About Character — It’s About Courage

Most of us assume trust is earned by being honest, reliable, and full of integrity. And yes—that matters, but character alone doesn’t create trust.

Trust also requires courage.

You can be an incredibly trustworthy person while still being guarded, controlling, or afraid to let others step up. Many of us say things like:

• “Nobody will do it like I will.”
  
  
• “If people cared as much as I do, I’d trust them.”
  
  
• “If only they’d do it this way…”
  
  

Ultimately, trust is a decision, not a reward.

You can surround yourself with amazing people—people who have good character, strong values, and genuine potential, but still experience low trust simply because no one is willing to go first. If you’re constantly waiting for someone to prove they can be trusted, you may be waiting forever.

2. Low Trust Usually Comes From Fear, Not a Lack of Values

Most of us don’t withhold trust because the other person doesn’t align with our values. We withhold trust because we’ve been hurt.

Everyone has been burned by someone and without realizing it, those past wounds shape the way we trust in the present. We convince ourselves we’re being careful, discerning, or wise…but often, we’re just being fearful. The result is a very isolated way of living.

Whether it’s in marriage, parenting, friendships, or leadership, you cannot build anything meaningful alone. There are so many people who are worthy of trust—but you won’t experience that if you’re constantly defending yourself from past pain.

3. We Fear Losing Control

Another reason trust levels stay low: Trust requires releasing control.

When you trust someone, you’re giving them ownership. That’s terrifying for many people—especially high achievers and leaders. Control feels safer. It feels predictable and allows us to keep things “manageable.”

Control might feel safe, but connection grows trust.

Teams don’t bond through micromanagement. Marriages don’t deepen through domination. Children don’t thrive under constant correction. Connection grows when we release control—when we empower, communicate expectations clearly, and allow people to rise into the trust we extend.

4. We Think We Can Do It Better or Faster

This one hits close to home for a lot of leaders: sometimes the reason we don’t trust others is simple— we think we can do it better.

Or faster. Or with fewer mistakes. Early on, that may be true, but the more we cling to “I’ll just do it myself,”  the more we sabotage growth.

Eventually, things get done faster when you stop doing everything yourself.

You have gaps, others have gifts. If you never allow others to step in, stretch, and learn, you’ll always be overwhelmed, and the people around you will always be underdeveloped.

5. Trust Is a Gift You Give, Not a Reward People Earn

This is the heart of the entire message. In “command and control” leadership, people must earn trust. They have to prove themselves first.

In “trust and inspire” leadership, trust is something we choose to extend because we believe people can rise to the level of expectation we give them. This doesn’t mean trusting everyone blindly, of course. It means being intentional about the people you surround yourself with—and being generous with trust when their character and values align.

The book says it beautifully: “People don’t rise to expectations they’re never given.”

When we set clear expectations, communicate the win, and say, “I trust you, and here’s why it matters” something powerful happens.

People step up.
Relationships deepen.
Teams grow stronger.
Families become more united.

Trust grows not when someone earns it, but when someone gives it.

Go First

If you want a life filled with meaningful relationships, deep connection, and teams that thrive, you have to be willing to take the first step.

Be a trust giver. Be courageous. Extend trust before it’s earned.
Communicate clearly. Let go of control. Allow people to rise.

Don’t find yourself surrounded by trustworthy people…with no trust between you and them.