Leaning Into Conflict: Why Tension Can Actually Bring You Closer

Conflict often gets a bad reputation. Many of us grow up believing it’s something to avoid at all costs—whether that means brushing it under the rug, ignoring it, or pretending everything is fine when it isn’t. A powerful truth I’d like to talk about today is that conflict isn’t necessarily a sign that something is broken. More often than not, it’s a signal: there’s something important we need to talk about.

What would happen if instead of seeing conflict as a threat, we chose to see it as an opportunity?

Asking the Right Questions

The key is to retrain your brain to see conflict as a conversation starter…I know easier said than done. Especially if you have any trauma around conflict, it might take some work and practice. Try to take control of the impulse to deflect, hide, or run and try to be curious about what the cause of the issue is. Calm questions are your friend here:

• Is there something deeper going on?
  
  
• Why does this feel tense?
  
  
• What might be causing us to feel out of alignment?
  
  

By approaching conflict with genuine curiosity instead of blame, you shift the dynamic from “me versus you” to “us versus the problem.” It becomes less about proving who’s right and more about understanding where the disconnect is.

Curiosity Over Interrogation

Tone and intent matter here. If your questions feel like an interrogation, the other person will naturally become defensive. If they’re asked from a place of care and genuine interest, it opens the door for honest communication.

For example, instead of saying, “Why do you always do it this way?” you might ask, “I noticed we handled this differently—can you walk me through your process?” That small shift changes the conversation from criticism to collaboration.

Small Adjustments, Big Results

The surprising part is most conflicts don’t stem from massive issues. They’re usually the result of small misalignments—things that can be corrected with just a little bit of clarity and compromise. Maybe you thought your partner wanted one thing, but they had something else in mind. Maybe you’re both aiming for the same goal but taking different routes to get there.

When you take the time to ask questions and listen, those little misalignments become visible, and once they’re visible, they’re much easier to fix.

A Path Back to Alignment

Conflict isn’t a roadblock, it’s a guidepost. It shows you where things are out of sync and gives you the chance to make adjustments before the gap gets wider. Leaning into conflict with openness and curiosity can actually deepen trust, because it shows that you’re willing to do the work of understanding instead of avoiding.

So the next time tension rises, try reframing it. Instead of asking, “How do I get rid of this conflict?” ask, “What is this conflict trying to show me?” Chances are, it’s pointing you toward a conversation that can bring you closer and help you realign.